Will Runners Still Be Gross When There’s a COVID-19 Vaccine?

In the minutes leading up to the 2017 NYC Marathon, my friend Sarah lent me a stick of Body Glide. My only question at the time was whether she wanted it back.

“You should know that I’m about to use this on my balls,” I said. “So if you plan on using it again, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

Sometimes I laugh at how disgusting runners were before the pandemic. You’d probably be lying if you said you’ve never peed in a bush or an empty Gatorade bottle before a race. But even if you’re a better person than most of us, how likely would you be to do anything in a porta potty right now?

A couple years ago, I patiently waited for a toilet as the guy using it retched violently for what seemed like a year. When he emerged, he gave me a thumbs up and said that he finally felt good about running a personal best. I was kind of mortified but I used it anyway; I didn’t realize that it was out of hand sanitizer until after I was done.

“Oh well,” I thought to myself. “This won’t hurt anyone.” The irony, right?

I don’t know about you, but nowadays I keep a bottle of hand sanitizer in my Flipbelt. My hands are constantly chapped to high hell and my bladder has learned to get over itself when I pass up a porta potty. But with the news that the UK has authorized a vaccine, I can’t help but wonder how disgusting runners will be again after the needle goes into our arms.

I started a poll on Instagram this morning to find out. Early polling shows that folks are pretty eager to urinate off the side of the Verrazano Bridge again.

Personally, if I’m vaccinated, yeah—go ahead and spit in my face. But I’m also willing to bet that a few people will still say, “Hey, we just got done with the pandemic. Maybe don’t crap on my shoes.”

I also don’t think either post-COVID mindset is particularly wrong. This year has been bonkers, so if you still want to keep your distance when this is “over,” fine by me. And if I catch you peeing on the side of a museum when we’re all vaccinated, I’ll only be mad that you chose a museum to pee on.