In an unexpected turn of events, I signed up for the New York City Marathon 12 weeks ago. This will be my third crack at the race, and after a really short and occasionally stupid training block, my only goal is to finish without medical assistance. So far, I am not on track to hit this goal.
With 20 days to go, you’ve probably seen roughly 30,000 posts about how to make all your dreams come true at the New York City Marathon. And fine, I guess you can add this article to the pile. But instead of coaching you to have the day of your life, I’ll take you behind the curtain of my 2018 race, which was one of the worst days of my life. Here’s what you can do to ensure that your NYC Marathon experience is miserable.
Eat Something You’ve Never Had for Breakfast
Back in 2018, I ate two Rx Bars while riding the Staten Island Ferry. They’re dense and some of the flavors are terrible, but I’m a nervous eater and they were the healthiest options I could find at the ferry terminal. “They sell these at health food stores,” I thought. “What could go wrong?”
Raise your hand if you’ve ever been punched in the stomach. Keep your hand raised if you’ve been punched in the stomach multiple times. Now imagine that someone had punched you in the stomach repeatedly while while holding an Rx bar in each fist. This is how your insides should feel if you’re hoping to have a terrible race.
Start the Race at Your Goal Marathon Pace
Virtually every running coach on the planet will warn you that the first mile of the NYC Marathon is the steepest incline of the entire race. They’ll also tell you that it should be the slowest mile you run the entire day. But three years ago, I ignored conventional wisdom and charged up the bridge. I’m not sure if anyone can confirm this, but I’m pretty sure I hollered “YOLO” for the first half mile.
You should also anticipate running about 1.6 miles to get up the bridge. Why? Mid-packers like me tend to stop at various points on the Verrazano to take selfies and celebrate themselves. If this happens, do not join them. Instead, huff and puff until they get the hint to get the hell out of your way. Be prepared for them not to hear you and continue posting on Instagram. Should this bother you? Not unless you want to ruin your morning.
Run Down the Verrazano Bridge at Your Half Marathon Pace
OK, tourism time is over, right? Time to make up some of the seconds you lost weaving through traffic while climbing up the bridge. If you’re feeling good, go ahead and bomb it down the bridge at your half marathon pace.
If you trained well over the last few weeks, half marathon pace might feel like a cakewalk anyway. “Maybe my half marathon pace is my new marathon pace,” you’ll convince yourself. “This feels easy as hell. I can definitely do this for another 24 miles.”
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but no—the pace you run down the bridge is likely not your new marathon pace. If you really want to make your life miserable, check out your heart rate monitor (if you have one) to see where you’re at by the end of mile 2. Runners who want to have a fun day might be in an aerobic zone. But if you want to emulate my 2018 race, your watch will beg you to slow down if you’re running anything shorter than a 5K.
Run at Half Marathon Effort for the Next 10 Miles
At this point, you’ll probably feel horrible. So why not feel horrible for the next 10-13 miles, right?
If you stop to wave at friends, they might even tell you that you look tired. “I’m running a marathon,” you’ll say. “Of course I’m tired!” They’ll respond by telling you that no, you look off, man.
Should you maybe throw away 30 seconds to grab some Gatorade and catch your breath? Probably. Will you? Probably not.
Ignore the Urge To Use a Porta-Potty
The best way to make a bad breakfast mistake worse is to ignore your bladder. I mean, let’s be real. You might be in there for 2 minutes. But you also ate something that you’ve never had for breakfast, so you could also be in there for 20. Now’s not the time to take any chances!
While running up 1st Avenue, spectators will see you holding your stomach and wonder if it’s true that marathoners sometimes soil themselves during a race. When they gawk, simply give them a thumbs up and say, “What a great day! Red Sox suck!”
Wave Off Your Family at the Finish
If you’ve actually taken this advice, shame on you. But also, you might as well wrap up the day by waving off your family at Columbus Circle.
Do they care that you trained for a 3:25 marathon and are about to run a 3:50? Of course not! But do you care that they don’t care? Of course you do. “It’s OK, just hang in there,” they’ll probably say.
“I am going to S#!& my pants,” you’ll reply.
“You look great, just a little while longer.”
“MASHED POTATOES.”
“What??”
“WHO DOESN’T LOVE MASHED POTATOES?”
OK, Don’t Actually Do Any of This
As much fun as this was to write, I feel obligated to re-emphasize that you should do the complete opposite of each of these things at the NYC Marathon. And honestly, even if you have a time goal, go ahead and throw it out the window if you’re not feeling 100%. It can be a pretty great day, even if you’re not as fast as you wanted to be.
But also, it took me three years and a bunch of therapy to get to this point. So if you want to ignore my advice to ignore this advice, I guess I can’t stop you.
Leave a Reply